Sneak Peek #5 "Dancing Into Deliverance; From Slut Bucks to Slaying Demons"
Warning: It starts getting dark and disturbing in this story. Do not read if easily offended!
Even though I had rule # 2, (Be fully aware that at least 99% of everything I heard in the club was most likely BS.) some of what the clients would say sank in and negated some of the lies I had grown up hearing.
My step-dad married my mom when I was three and he died when I was fourteen. During those eleven years, I got to hear over and over again, how ugly I was, how stupid I was, how no man would ever want me, no college would ever accept me, and how I would never amount to anything. The words I heard over and over again at the club were the opposite.
Here, I was told I was beautiful! I was certainly wanted, although not in the way I want to be wanted. I was told so many times that I belonged in “The Corporate World” instead of that club. Probably the most honest and meaningful reaction I would get was when I would sit and talk to guys and, after about 5 minutes of conversation, they would get a surprised look on their face and say something along the lines of, “You actually have a brain!”
It’s surprising to think working as that kind of dancer could bring healing, but God uses everything for good. Even when we screw up. I tried to repel the positive words through rule #2, but they managed to sink in and my confidence grew. I wasn’t ugly! I wasn’t stupid! I could be wanted! Maybe I could be someone! I began to realize the lies my step-dad had heaped on my little soul were really the awful things he felt about himself. Kids don’t understand projection and have no defense against it and I grew up defenseless in a lot of ways.
The job soon began to take its toll on me…
Apparently, I was more wanted than I wanted to be. The club had Entertainer of the Month competitions that led to Entertainer of the Year competitions. I had told our managers that I never wanted to be part of that process. There were usually seven or eight stages open at a time, but during these competitions, only the Main Stage was open.
I was fine being on a stage at the same time as other girls, but never wanted to be the only option up there…with all eyes on me. The guys would have to watch me whether I was who they wanted to see, or not. I’m not so stupid to think that guys don’t have types and I know for certain I am not everyone’s type. I never wanted the entire focus to be on me.
So, what did they do? They chose me as “Entertainer of the Week,” which forced me into the Entertainer of the Month competition. Ugh!